De Luminaria Minora Caelestis Hierarchiae, Or: A Young Cleric's Illustrated Primer

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of Lights. 

Angels, as we well know, are the servants of some vast and defunct celestial bureaucracy, in which each of them had some important role to play. Through the wearing of a mask and adherence to certain tenets, they may be commanded through the use of miracle dice. The names of some angels are known to many - Hallow, Lightning, Kindle, Iconoclasm, Hold - but what of the others?

This is a gift.

Alter Self
R: n/a T: self D: [sum] hours
She appears as a delinquent bohemian, carrying a palette and a bottle of wine which she drinks from continually. Her wings are stained with a rainbow of paint.
You are physically transformed into another person or creature of a similar type to your normal form. You acquire the gross physical qualities of your new form (movement capabilities, natural armor or weapons, presence or absence of wings, number of extremities) but she cannot grant you any supernal powers. If more than one MD is invested, your clothing and equipment are likewise transformed. Alter Self is a sufficiently skilled artist to accurately duplicate the appearance of a specific individual, provided she has a reference to work from.

Earthquake
R: 400' T: a [dice] * 20' radius sphere D: [sum] rounds
She is huge, naked, incredibly muscular.
An intense but highly localized tremor rips through the affected area, collapsing structures and cracking the earth. Creatures within the affected area fall prone and cannot move, attack, or cast spells for the duration. Earthquake's strength is sufficient to destroy any structure or natural feature not constructed primarily from flexible materials.

Fusillade
R: n/a T: self D: [sum] rounds
She has an indeterminate number of arms. Attempting to count them causes migraines. Commonly associated with Black clerics.
Overlays herself onto your body, allowing you to hold and make attacks with up to [dice] additional firearms per round for the duration. In addition, firearms you hold are automatically and immediately reloaded with magical ammunition until [sum] bullets have been produced. The magical ammunition does not persist beyond the duration.

Kill
R: 30' T: any number of living things capable of hearing D: immediate
She is dressed like an accountant, and has gentle features. Historically associated with Green clerics.
Targets who hear her name save or die instantly. On a successful save, they instead take [sum] damage. Kill cannot be commanded without speaking her name aloud.

Legend Lore
R: n/a T: something of legendary importance D: [lowest] hours
He appears old, bearded, and sagacious, walks with a cane and wears an elaborately decorated cap. Commonly associated with Red clerics.
Returns at the end of the duration with [dice] pieces of information about an important person, place, or thing. If the target is present when you command him, the information will be accurate, specific, and relevant; if you have only detailed information on the target, the information will be less specific but sufficient to assist you in finding it; and if you have nothing but a name or a rumor the information will be vague and incomplete legends.

Locate City
R: n/a T: a circular area around the caster with a radius of [sum]*[dice] miles D: immediate
She wears a pair of heavy earmuffs and carries a large suitcase and a map. She speaks unbidden and is invariably genocidal.
Locates the nearest settlement within range (as defined by the amount of time it would take to travel there through means currently available to you) of a minimum population defined by you at the time you command her, and displays to you its position, name (translated from the language of its inhabitants as best she can), and the shortest passable route to it.

d.m. Locate City has a sister, who appears identical save for some small difference such as webbed hands and feet or incongruous facial hair. Her sister's power is to destroy the entire targeted area in an explosion of concussive force and bitter cold.

Might
R: n/a T: self D: [sum] rounds
She appears as an archon of vengeance in full harness of elaborately filigreed plate, and bears a massive and equally ornamented sword.
You are wreathed in glimmering supernal armor which doubles your strength bonus, renders you immune to normal weapons, and allows each attack you make against an opponent of [dice] or lesser HD to automatically hit and deal maximum damage for the duration.

Shillelagh
R: touch T: a blunt object D: [sum] hours or until discharged
She is wild-haired, painted in woad, and carries a large knife at her belt. Commonly associated with Blue clerics.
The target strikes with incredible force for the duration, is able to harm demons, elfs, and the undead as though it were made of appropriate materials, and deals double damage for the next [dice] blows you strike with it. Charges are not expended on missed attacks.

Silence
R: earshot T: 5'^[dice] radius centered around a creature, object, or point D: [sum] minutes
She wears a ski mask and dark clothing, but carries herself with a regal bearing.
Complete magical silence blankets the affected area. All sound is stopped: Conversation and further command of angels is impossible, and no noise whatsoever issues from, enters, or passes through the space. If centered around a creature or object, the area of effect moves with it; if centered around a point in space, it is stationary.

Solitude
R: 120' T: something that can see and hear D: permanent or [sum] rounds, see text
Her head is shrouded in bandages, and she hovers without use of her wings. Commonly associated with Yellow clerics.
If [sum]*2 is greater than or equal to the target's current HP and they fail a save, they are struck blind and/or deaf (your choice) until you direct Solitude to release her hold on them. If [sum]*2 is less than their HP or the save is successful, her effect lasts only [sum] rounds instead. Solitude can be commanded with only her name, i.e. even if your hands are bound.

Stoneskin
R: touch T: a creature or object D: [sum] hours or until discharged
She is tall and appears carved from marble.
The warded target hardens and takes on the rough texture of stone, protecting it from the next [sum] points of damage it would suffer. If placed in a situation where survival is impossible (immersed in lava, thrown off the Face of the world, &c) they immediately turn to invulnerable stone and lose consciousness. If this occurs, Stoneskin is incapable of reversing the transformation herself.

Wall
R: 120' T: [dice] 10' x 10' panels in contiguous formation D: instant
She is broad-shouldered, carrying a variety of tools in a leather belt, and requires specific instructions.
Creates a wall in the target area, with a thickness dependent on material. The area must be relatively clear of obstructions; Wall refuses to move objects for you and strict safety standards prevent her from working on areas that currently contain living beings. If directed by another angel with knowledge of architecture, she can produce double the amount of material.

d.m. various Walls exist, each producing a different material when commanded. Wall of Stone is commonly associated with White clerics, and Wind Wall was historically associated with the Orange heretics before their extinction.

Zone of Truth
R: n/a T: a 20' radius around you D: [sum] minutes
She carries a long staff topped with an ostrich feather, and refuses to speak.
For the duration, knowingly spoken untruths can be seen as streams of ephemerally glowing fog where they cross the Zone.

Drink-sharing Rituals

Happy GLOGtober, which never ended in our hearts! Here's a social mechanic stolen in its entirety from Caves of Qud.

A ratman drinking tea, probably.

Rituals, Tea and Otherwise

So, you know the standard reaction table:

This, more or less. 2d6+CHA mod of most visible PC/whoever is attempting to lead the negotiation.

When faced with an encounter that is capable of communicating with the party and not immediately and violently hostile (i.e. had a reaction result higher than 2), any player can walk forward bearing a waterskin or other recognizable drink container and declare that they will attempt the drink-sharing ritual.

The drink-sharing ritual is universally understood, and has eight steps (an auspicious number):

1. First, you drink.
2. Then, you offer them the beverage and they drink. If you're attempting the ritual with something that can't drink, pouring the beverage over them is an acceptable substitute.
1. If you've drugged the drink, that takes effect as normal. If they figure it out, expect combat and to be attacked on sight by any other members of the faction should one survive to speak of your crimes - the drink-sharing ritual is sacred.
3. Then, you offer them something. This can be a material gift (everyone loves treasure and/or interesting tchotchkes) or a secret (everyone loves gossip and rumors).
1. If you offer a secret then you are honor-bound to not give that same secret to anyone else in a drink-sharing ritual. Probably nothing is actually stopping you from doing so, but the idea is repellent.
4. Then, you ask for something in return. Decide if you ask for a secret, a gift, or nothing.
5. Then, reroll the reaction check (2d6+CHA mod of character performing the ritual) plus the following modifiers:
1. +1 if you shared a drink more impressive to the other party than water. Beer, nice tea, liquor, etc. Different participants are impressed by different things.
2. +1 if the gift you offered was especially appreciated. Different participants appreciate different things.
3. +1 if you asked for nothing.
6. If you asked for a secret or gift and rolled Friendly (9+) or higher, they give it to you. What they actually give you will depend on what they know/what they have as well as their initial reaction result.
7. If you asked for nothing, the new reaction result replaces the initial one if it's higher.
8. Then the ritual is complete and you're back to normal, non-structured social interaction.

There you go. Sort of a risk-mitigating mechanic for when you meet some Unfriendly ratmen and need to get past them or whatever, at the cost of some tea and maybe a secret. I hope this is useful to at least one person!

Orcs, River and Otherwise

Perhaps a month of posts was too ambitious. Ah, well, nevertheless: GLOG is about breaking the rules, and thus I shall finish GLOGtober as though it never ended.

Happy GLOGtober!

The Civilized Lands

The Civilized Lands, from whence adventurers come to the Mountain, are dominated by two large culture-groups, each formed from several component polities. They are the River Kingdoms, an imperial federation that originated in the homelands of the orcs, and the Charter Nations, a more loosely organized alliance and trade group that originated in the homelands of the goblinoids. Today, we are concerned with the former.

A hill orc warrior.

Orcs

The Mountain Player's Handbook has this to say about orcs:

2. Orc: Tall and universally muscular, with strong brows, jutting lower jaws with protruding tusks, and pointed ears. There are three races of orc: Hill, water, and “half”—the lattermost of which would more properly be termed “mountain orcs”.

1. Hill orc: Green skin, approximately seven feet tall, +1 STR.

2. Water orc: Heavy-set, gray-brown to blue-gray skin, bulbous milky eyes, webbed extremities, gills set into necks and faces, just under seven feet tall. Amphibious (swim speed equal to land speed, breathe water as well as air), see well in dim light, disadvantage in sunlight, +1 STR.

3. Half-orc: Pale yellow, green, or gray skin, about six and a half feet tall. “Half-orc” is a (derogatory) misnomer applied due to relative size, +1 to a stat of your choice.

Orc social systems and biology are closer to our own than those of goblinoids, so I don't think I need to spend as many words on them. Hill orcs are the ones you probably think of first when you think 'orc' - big, green, etc. This is by design, of course - the imperial dynasty is of hill orcish origin, and by tradition members of the Imperial Court are selected from among the population of the majority-hill-orcish provinces at the empire's heart.

A hill orc knight.

The River Kingdoms

The River Kingdoms are a federated empire of provinces (with governors appointed directly by the empress) and vassal and tributary states (under suzerainty of the Imperial Court). They are innumerable and ever-changing in size and import, but we can talk about the Imperial Core itself as a group as well as the four vassal states most currently relevant.

The Imperial Core

The eight largest and most powerful provinces at the heart of the empire, the wellspring from which its might and glory spread throughout the civilized lands in ages past. The Imperial Core covers such an enormous amount of land that it is difficult to characterize its climate or geography; it ranges from temperate plains, forest, mountain, and steppe in the north to subtropical jungle and coastline in the south. Majority hill orc.

Mondal
A large archipelago kingdom, tropical and subtropical in climate with some mountainous regions temperate by way of altitude. One of the most important vassals of the Imperial Court for much of its history, providing a great portion of its food and art imports and respected as such in the Imperial Core. Majority water orc.

Ked
A smaller vassal kingdom and buffer state between the Imperial Core and its neighboring powers, located along a coastline and stretching inward along several major river tributaries. Ked provides a greater proportion of its population to the imperial army than any other River Kingdom, and several of its people hold high generalships. Majority water orc.

Yema
An empire in its own right, laying claim to a storied history nearly as long and rich as that of the River Kingdoms as a whole. An island nation far removed from the Imperial Core, it occupies a special place in the complex diplomatic structure of the empire as a nominal ally rather than vassal or tributary. Majority mountain or "half"-orc.

Sybia
A recently-acquired imperial possession - a state of affairs which few expect to last, as the mountainous region is a historical enemy of the River Kingdoms and has been subjugated before only to re-achieve independence in a long and bloody cycle of warfare and revolution. Majority hill orc.

Mysteries and Baited Hooks

So, we've got the Ranger Made of Hooks, but absolutely no idea who, what, or why they are... That's a mystery. It counts.

Happy GLOGtober!

The Rangery

'Ranger' is an in-world title. Rangers are somewhat like a secret society, somewhat like a freelance intelligence agency. They exist in the largest cities and the most distant wastes; naturally, many of them have found their way to the Mountain.

All Rangers are Made of Hooks, transformed into that shape through some arcane ritual initiation that has never been witnessed by an outsider. Perhaps there is an indoctrination component, some element of the process that turns double-agents into triple-agents and prevents them from betraying the Rangery. Or perhaps the ones that can't be turned are detected and quietly killed and replaced - after all, it would be hard to identify them once their body has been transformed into a knot of barbed and twisted iron.

Like Satans, you should add Rangers to all your encounter tables, maybe opposite the Satan (boxcars?). They can appear anywhere. They shouldn't really be directly hostile unless you're fucking with them, so take reaction rolls on that end of the spectrum to mean that their purposes are orthogonal to yours and likely in conflict.

They make camps, small chambers of comfort deep in the underground or high on the face. They stock these camps with weapons and provisions, everything crafted solely from locally available materials. The entrances are very well-hidden, but should you find one uninhabited you are welcome to make use of everything within; if the Ranger had not wanted you to find it, you wouldn't have done so.

You can play a Ranger Made of Hooks if you meet a friendly one and accept and complete a questmystery for it.

1d20 Ranger Mysteries

1. What lies at the heart of the Sun?
2. Take this ball of fishhooks to the mouth of Hell, anchor the line nearby, and throw it in.
3. What was the cause of the War that sundered the world?
4. Bring me the crown of a last king of giants.
5. Who blinded the leeches?
6. Burn the homes of the mushroom-folk.
7. Who were the Brothers?
8. Make peace between the ratmen and the bat men.
9. What is the meaning of the word 'elf'?
10. Cast this barbed spear from the top of the Mountain or higher, and have it land in the sea.
11. What is the source of G_d's power?
12. Plant this fishhook in the flesh of the Rune King.
13. Who is or was the Traitor?
14. Open the path from the cradle to the top of the Mountain.
15. Who survives of the Red Court?
16. Poison the blood pits.
17. What is the purpose of the Rangers?
18. Bring a colony of mushroom-folk to the surface of the moon.
19. Where lives the oldest whale?
20. Bring the richest denizen of the catacombs before the Sun to face judgement.

Adventure! (Class: Ranger)

Happy GLOGtober!

Definitions and Etymology

So, the term "adventure". It doesn't normally - in real life - mean walking into a tomb and killing (or being killed by) skeletons, getting treasure, all the things we expect from a tabletop RPG "adventure". It really just means, like, going somewhere. The going, that's the adventure, the exciting part. What you do when you actually get there is just... Work, usually. Sometimes hanging out. With the bros. But usually just work.

This image disagrees with me, but fuck it. It doesn't know anything. It's just an image.

I forget where I was going with that. 

You know who goes on adventures? Rangers. And you know what you need for adventures? Hooks.

It all fits together, don't you see?

Ranger Made of Hooks

1/A: Bushcraft, Ankomorph
2/B: Trailblazing, Wilderness Lore
3/C: Barbs, Ranging, Fishhook
4/D: Ambush, Skyhook

A: Bushcraft
You have skill in bushcraft, and can easily make mundane objects out of natural resources such as sticks, rocks, and plant matter which function nearly as well as professionally made versions. This takes ten minutes for anything portable (torches, a short rope, snares, spears, etc), or one hour for vehicles or structures (shelters, pit traps, rafts, sledges, etc). This isn't infinite free gear - you and your GM should work together to describe what exactly you do to make whatever things you're making - but it is as much free gear and as good of free gear as is possible.

A: Ankomorph
In place of flesh, your body is comprised of thousands upon thousands of iron fishhooks, knotted together into barbed, twisting appendages in rough facsimile of an orcish or goblinoid form. This renders you immune to most concerns of fleshier beings such as disease and poison, although you do still require sustenance and have to be wary of rust and lodestones. Their natural hardness gives you 4 AC that doesn't stack with armor, and your unarmed attacks and successful grapple checks deal 1d6 base damage.

B: Trailblazing
You have skill in tracking and pathfinding. Yourself and your party are not slowed by rough terrain during overland travel.

B: Wilderness Lore
When encountering a strange plant or animal for the first time, you have a 2-in-6 chance of identifying them. When encountering a condition (a disease, poison, curse, enchantment, etc) for the first time, you have a 2-in-6 chance of knowing of a strange plant or animal that could affect that condition in some way (causing it, curing it, immunizing against it, etc). When learning of or entering a notable location for the first time, you have a 2-in-6 chance of deducing an adventure hook or rumor with at least one true element for that location from context clues and prior information. These chances improve by 1-in-6 per Ranger Made of Hooks template, to a maximum of 4-in-6 at template D.

C: Barbs
When you successfully hit with an unarmed attack, you can make another unarmed attack against the same target with no penalty and without spending an action. This continues until you miss.

C: Ranging
Your first random encounter each day always includes, contains, or consists of the following, in some form:
Dense vegetation (forest, plain, savanna, jungle): Enough food and water for your entire party.
Sparse vegetation (desert, steppe, tundra, scrubland): Enough food and water for yourself and four others.
No vegetation (dungeon, glacier, salt flat): Enough food and water for you.

C: Fishhook
You have, somehow, acquired a fish friend. It is a giant cave pike, who despite its ill temper and tiny brain considers you its best pal in the entire world and will do its best to defend you. It possesses a preternatural ability to find you if and when you abandon it, and will do so eventually even if slain. Or maybe that's a different fish, then. Hard to tell.

D: Ambush
When you begin an encounter and aren't surprised, you may retroactively decide where to have placed yourself and any members of your party that agree to follow your direction. At least one member must be visible and out of hiding.

D: Skyhook
Your hooks reverberate with minute variations in frequency, allowing you to predict what the next change in the weather will be by standing outside and concentrating for one minute.

Mountaineering Rations of the Two Cities

 Almost caught up to GLOGtober...

Rations of the Mountain

Okay, so you've taken ship to the Mountain, you've arrived at one of the Two Cities, and you're about to head inland or underground on a Grand Adventure.

What the fuck kind of food do you bring with you?

1d10 Rations available in the Old City

Or, "What are these River Kingdom troops eating?"

1. Tea, compressed and molded into cakes (discs) or bricks.

2. Sesame- or poppy-seed bagels, strung on a piece of cord and carried around the neck.

3. Pre-fried rice, millet, and/or wheat flour, eaten as a porridge - or straight, in an emergency.

4. Fermented cabbage, cucumber, and radish pickles.

5. Cured meat or fish, preserved through brining, marinating, and then smoking.

6. Repeatedly steamed and basked (dried) rice, allowing it to be quickly rehydrated with the addition of hot water. Doesn't come in a box, though.

7. Sundried cottage cheese made from horse, goat, or sheep's milk.

8. Cooked ground venison, compressed into bite-sized cubes and dried.

9. Bread soaked in vinegar (for acid) and/or fermented black soybean and salt (for salt) and then dried. Used as a condiment or soup base.

10. Fermented milk wine, slightly alcoholic.

1d10 Rations available in the New City

Or, "What are these Charter Nation troops eating?"

1. Fresh chickens (or larger beasts, for larger parties), carried or driven along alive and slaughtered when it's time to eat them.

2. Hard cheese, preserved inside its rind.

3. Olive oil, carried in small clay pots stoppered and sealed with wax.

4. Just a big ol' sack of cracked grain.

5. Hardtack or other dried biscuits/crackers.

6. Beef, pork, or venison jerky.

7. Salt fish or pork, requiring multiple boilings before palatable.

8. Small beer, barely alcoholic; or water, cut with vinegar.

9. Wine mixed with honey and seawater, or mead.

10. Sauce made from fermented fish and salt, used as a condiment.

What was the point of this?

If I'm honest, it was kind of a punt. I do think it's useful to know what the "rations" you bring with you up the Mountain or into the dungeon are, though. Like, if you're carrying a big jar of olive oil, that might come in handy for things other than eating it.

Mountain Topography

Bit of a cop-out, but I've gotta catch up to GLOGtober and I have a map of the Mountain that I haven't posted yet.

It's not this one, the side-view point map hastily scribbled on a piece of paper:

clicc for big, but I've already posted this one.

It is this one, a topographical map:

clicc for big, this one is new.

This was created for me ages ago by kahva and I never did anything with it, but I really like it. I suppose it'll be especially useful if and when I need to do some overland travel bits in a game. I've added the two cities myself with very little consideration - their positions aren't final.

BATTLEMAGES (Class: Fighter but also Wizard)

Happy GLOGtober! Still playing catch-up, but here's your swirling rainbow vortices post. 

First, we have to talk about BATTLEFIRE.

Goblins of the Civilized Lands

The GLOGtober prompt todaytwo days ago iswas 'Goblins'. Lets knock that one out before I continue.

The Civilized Lands

The Civilized Lands, from whence adventurers come to the Mountain, are dominated by two large culture-groups, each formed from several component polities. They are the River Kingdoms, an imperial federation that originated in the homelands of the orcs, and the Charter Nations, a more loosely organized alliance and trade group that originated in the homelands of the goblinoids. Today, we are concerned with the latter.

A goblin peasant levy

Goblinoids

The Mountain Player's Handbook has this to say about goblinoids:

1. Goblinoid: Bright red or yellow eyes with slit pupils, catlike noses, small pointed teeth, bushy sideburns (across all three sexes), and dull orange, yellow, or green skin covered with fine, short, downy fur. Goblinoid society holds that the place of men and women is at home, so most (but not all) goblinoid adventurers are neuters.

1. Bugbear: Eight to nine feet tall (-1 AC, can wield heavy weapons as if they were medium), +1 STR.

2. Hobgoblin: Skin and fur tend towards warmer colors, five to six feet tall, +1 DEX.

3. Goblin: About three feet tall (+1 AC, can only wield medium weapons two-handed and can’t wield heavy weapons), +1 DEX

Remember, I was an E6 3.5e gal first, so that's what my goblinoids look like. Fine, downy fur, big sideburns, and little wet cat noses. 

They're born in litters, about ten at a time, usually one or two of each binary sex and the rest neuter. Bugbears are a genetic anomaly which are born among litters of any other sort of goblinoid, and appear normal as infants but grow to their full size rapidly. Goblinoid natural philosophers theorize that these traits existed to enable their survival of some great hardship in their shared prehistory, and Charter Nation societies tend to have fairly strict gender roles as a result; expecting goblinoid men and women to be parents and homemakers while more physically hazardous roles such as mining, millwork, and military service are filled by neuters. As a result of this, of course, more adventurously-minded male and female goblinoids are likely to be encountered in regions outside of the Charter Nations themselves. 

A hobgoblin FIGHTMASTER, or perhaps a BATTLEMAGE

The Charter Nations

There are six on the Charter Court, with innumerable petty nations, city-states, and feudal holdings between them.

Durras

Forest, tundra, and steppe; geographically massive, sparsely populated, and rich in natural resources. A feudal empire, stagnant in neither ascent nor decline. Durrans are reputed as cold to those they don't know and generous and loyal to those they trust. Majority goblin.

Escautia

Rolling hills and inclement weather; spread between the continental coast and a few small islands. A kingdom, technically, or between one and three depending on who you ask. Escautians are reputed as superstitious, worldly, and crude in manner. Majority hobgoblin.

Eturica

Sharp mountain ridges, open plains, plenty of coastline. An ancient and rich empire in decline. Eturicans are reputed as greedy, debauched, and detail-oriented. Majority hobgoblin.

Kolvenia

An archipelago of rocky cliffs and plateaus; warm year-round except at high altitudes. A federated commonwealth of city-states. Kolvenians are reputed as prone to vice, sloth, science, and romance. Majority goblin.

Ostmarch-Montague

Forest, field, and river; large but land-locked. Two kingdoms merged into one through marriage, an uneasy union. Ostmarchers and Montaguans are reputed as excellent brewers, gourmands, and stubborn perfectionists. Majority goblin.

Pyrenica

Flat plains ascending to rugged hills; sunny and warm. An ascendant empire, struggling with the tensions of industrialization. Pyrenicans are reputed as arrogant, prideful, and musically and culinarily talented. Majority hobgoblin.

It should go without saying that most of these 'reputations' originate outside of the nations mentioned and very possibly none are true. Goblinoids are a diverse bunch.

Let There Be Blood and also HELLBASTARDS

The GLOGtober prompt today is 'Blood'. Blood is one of the four elements. But normally there's only one kind of blood. That's kind of boring.

Here are some more types of blood you can have.

1. Royal blood. It's blue. Satans and vampires prize it especially, for some reason.
2. Oil. It's flammable. Horses have oil for blood, why don't you? This one seems dangerous.
3. Spiders! Thousands of 'em. Are they your children? Are you a spider in disguise? Nobody will ever know, unless you tell 'em.
4. Too much blood. We're talking quentin tarantino horror movie splatters every time you get cut, and a complete inability to suffer from (or die due to) blood loss.
5. Music. Since songs are swords, and vice versa, this can be at least a little unfortunate from time to time.
6. Normal-ass blood. Sometimes you just gotta chill out for a second. It can't be all weird blood all the time, or none of the weird blood is weird anymore.
7. Communism. Blood is red, at least normally. You know what else is... Red? That's right. I don't know what this does but if you or someone around you can talk to blood you should probably ask it how to solve the transformation problem.
8. Dragon blood. Does it make you greedy? Paranoid? No, that's fascist race science, your blood doesn't define you. Having dragon blood does mean you count as a dragon (and not as a normal, non-dragon person) for things that care about that, though. Dragons probably make a lot of things that care about that, because they're fascists.

9. Ferrofluid and ink. DIGRESSION: HELLBASTARDS 

when you are a hellbastard part of your body (a hand, or both hands, or your tongue, or your heart and all your blood, or your eyeballs and brain) is inky black and wet-looking, as if you had spilled ink on it. 

everyone HATES hellbastards. that's why they're called hellbastards. so you better fuckin' keep that shit covered up. they'll like, run you out of town or stone you to death. regular people roll morale whenever you're visibly a hellbastard around them

blacktongue: tongue is inky black and far too long, might also be forked. blacktongue hellbastards are fond of masks, fans, scarves, and whispering sweet words from behind their hands. if you're a blacktongue hellbastard you count your Charisma as 2 higher whenever you're in darkness, and 2 lower whenever you're in bright light. once per day, or as many times as you want during the night, you can extinguish a light within 30' by flicking your tongue at it and swallowing it up.

blackheart: veins show dark beneath the skin and black in the corners of the eyes. blood is incredibly pigmented, so opaque it can be used as ink or dye, and ferrous -- reacts to magnetic fields like ferrofluid or the weird stuff megan fox pukes up in jennifer's body. it dries into salty magnetic tar. the blood flows slowly and hurts constantly with the dull full-body ache of a hangover. blackheart hellbastards move like rickety old people and often affect canes or crutches for comfort, though they can move swiftly when they need to. direct sunlight causes your veins to smoke through your skin and any open wounds to sputter and crackle, dealing 1 damage per minute of continual exposure -- this can be avoided with voluminous clothing or by being careful to stay on the shady side of the street, etc etc. you get +1 Strength and -1 Dexterity and roll on the Death & Dismemberment table with advantage whenever you're a blackheart hellbastard

blackhand: entire hand or hands are blackened, up to the wrists and partway up the forearms. i think this one is a whole-ass class and it's the guy from princess mononoke

blackmind: turn all your spells into blackened hellbastards. immune to most mind-affecting stuff, can't be a paladin. If anyone ever cuts open your head your brain drips out like motor oil. your eyes are completely black and this is even more disconcerting and scary than any other kind of hellbastard and everyone gets an extra 2 difficulty on morale checks if you personally cause them. you can see in complete darkness as if it were bright light, and if its magical absolute darkness then it also lets you see invisible things and lies and hidden danger.

10. Honey. This marks you either as one of the fey or a very carefully constructed simulacrum.

11. Extremely potent psychedelic-dissociative-deliriants. Don't lick your wounds. Or do, I guess. I'm not your mom.

12. Text. pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages. secrets, mysteries, books that haven't been written yet and ones that have been written many, many times. all written in monospaced pixelated font, like an old computer terminal.

13. Type O negative. This makes you a universal donor. That's a valuable thing to be. Sucks for you if you need blood, though. Some people will tell you this makes you more likely to be outgoing, have leadership abilities, easily shrug off small issues and details, be frequently late (and rude), resilient, and flexible. I think they're probably right.

14. Thread. A single, unbroken, string of red. As strong as reasonably strong fishing line. There must be miles of this stuff in you.

15. Poison. On the upside, this means you're probably immune to poison, or else you would have died by now.

16. Seawater. Foaming brine. Contains all the things the actual ocean does.

17. Glittering black glass. Molten in your veins, so probably you never get cold. Quickly hardens into brittle curls and cruel twisting spires when exposed to the air.

18. Clay. Wet, slowly trickling. This makes you extremely hard to move if you don't want to be moved, for mysterious reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with real-world physics. It also means you can't bleed out.

19. Blue house paint. Why do you have this? Is this part of some elaborate con to fake a claim to the throne? Probably, I mean that's pretty much the only reason I can think of to replace your blood with blue paint. You definitely weren't born like this.

20. BATTLEFIRE. This is a link.

okay yeah that's great Vayra but what the fuck do i DO with it

Apply this to every character from now on. Just roll a d20 or something.

Modern Fiddly Firearms

 In my second-ever blog post, I said "i also wrote a gigantic table of firearm damage by specific real-world caliber, which is fun if your gaming group has gun nerds in it. maybe i'll post that later"

This is a refined, somewhat simplified (yes) version of that, hopefully suitable for use in games that are not mine and are run by people who have a (very slightly) lower tolerance for ~firearm verisimilitude~. It's all the sort of complicated that you figure out when you pick up a gun, not every time you fire it, so it runs fairly smoothly in play if you're not swapping stuff around all the time... Still rather complicated, though.

Damage has been reduced a little from my original system (which was designed for d20 E6 with d8 HD) to be more appropriate for GLOG, but is still very lethal. Try not to get shot.

Happy GLOGtober!

Armor

This whole thing works better if you have armor give HP instead of AC. This lets you have dramatic moments where you get knocked on your ass when someone shoots you in the chest with a rifle, only to pull off your shattered plate carrier and return fire. You can still get AC from cover, and stats if your system allows for that. My recommendation:

1. Light armor: A flak jacket, an undercover vest, other soft body armor, etc. Doesn't get in the way. 5-10 HP. An unarmored vehicle counts as having this level of protection.
2. Medium armor. A plate carrier with ballistic panels rated for intermediate cartridges. Quite heavy, encumbers like chain in your favorite medieval/early-modern RPG. 15 HP.
3. Heavy armor. Hard body armor with NIJ Level IV protection, likely covering the shoulders, sides, and upper legs. Heavy and restrictive, encumbers like plate in a medieval/early-modern RPG. 20 HP.

There's also vehicle armor:

1. Light Vehicle armor. On an APC, combat helicopter, or equivalent. You can't wear this, unless it's on an exoskeleton or something.
2. Heavy Vehicle armor. Actual tank plating. You can't wear this, ever.

Personal armor is damaged before your HP, except by critical hits, weapons that say they penetrate its level of protection or better, and stuff that would ignore armor logically (falling damage, etc).

Vehicle armor is the vehicle's entire HP, and can only be damaged by weapons that say they penetrate its level of protection or better, or critical hits.

More advanced, rarer materials might provide higher HP values or protect at higher levels. Improvised ones might provide less HP or encumber at higher levels.

Cartridges

The most important part of the firearm isn't actually the firearm, it's, uh, what it fires. This is what damage is based on. Cartridge stats have three values: Damage, Recoil, and Armor Penetration. I'll explain recoil when we talk about firearms themselves.

Also noise, I guess. Something with the "quiet" tag will be hard to notice from far away or pinpoint the direction of, especially if suppressed. Something with the "loud" or "very loud" tag probably can't be suppressed effectively. 

Here's a list of some cold-war-era-to-modern stuff:

Light Pistol

Light Pistol (.22 LR, .25, .32 or .380 ACP) - 1d6 - R0 - quiet

Standard Pistol (9mm, .38 or .44 Special, .45 ACP, .40S&W) - 1d8 - R1 - quiet

Heavy Pistol

AP Pistol (HK 4.6mm, FN 5.7mm, 5.8mm DAP92, 7.62 Tokarev, sci-fi pistol) - 1d8 - R2 - AP Light

Magnum Pistol (.357 or .44 Magnum, 10mm Auto, .50AE) - 2d6 - R3 - AP Light - loud

Fuckoff Pistol (.454 Casull, sci-fi bullshit) - 3d6 - R5 - AP Medium - very loud

Intermediate Rifle

Subsonic Rifle (9x39mm, .300 AAC) - 1d10 - R2 - quiet

Intermediate Rifle (5.56 NATO/.223 Rem., 5.45 and 7.62x39mm, 5.8x42mm) - 2d6 - R2 - AP Light

High Power Intermediate (6.5mm Creedmoor, .50 Beowulf, sci-fi intermediate) - 2d8 - R3 - AP Light

Full-Power Rifle

Full-Power Rifle (7.62 NATO/.308 Win., .303 British, 7.62x54R, .30-06) - 3d6 - R4 - AP Medium - loud

Magnum Rifle (7mm Rem Mag, .338 Lap Mag, .300 Norma Mag, sci-fi rifle) - 3d8 - R5 - AP Heavy - loud

Anti-Materiel Rifle (.408 CheyTac, .50 BMG, 12.7x108mm) - 4d8 - R7 - AP Light Vehicle - very loud

Light Autocannon (14.5x114mm, 20mm, sci-fi AMR) - 6d8 - R8 - AP Light Vehicle - very loud

Shotgun

Light Shotgun (20 gauge) - 1d8 - R2

Standard Shotgun (12 gauge) - 3d8 - R4 - loud

Firearms

The important parts of a firearm are its Size, Ammo, Sights, Action/Fire Modes, and Recoil.

Size is pretty obvious. Can you fire it effectively with one hand or not. How many slots does it take up in your inventory. That sort of thing.

Ammo is how many rounds it can hold. Reloading takes a move action (i.e. can be done in place of your movement or your action for the turn) per round, clip, or magazine loaded. If you're a Fighter maybe you can move and reload at the same time.

Sights determine your effective range. You get -2 to hit for every increment beyond your range you're attacking at.

• A gun with no sights has a 10' range.
• Iron sights on a pistol or a bead sight on a shotgun have 30' range.
• Iron sights on a rifle or most reflex sights have 60' range. Reflex sights give an extra +1 to-hit.
• Magnified optics have a range of 100' per magnification multiplier. Probably there is some penalty for trying to use a high minimum magnification under a given range.

Actions determine what fire modes are available with a firearm and if it can be used for iterative attacks:

• Single-shot firearms have to be reloaded between each attack. Break-action shotguns and rifles are probably the most common form of this, but there are some single-shot bolt-action rifles as well.
• Manual (pump, lever, bolt, single, etc)-action firearms have to be manually cycled between each attack. It's assumed that you're doing this automatically as long as you have a free hand, but it means you can only make one attack with them per round even if you have multiple attacks.
• Semi-automatic firearms fire one shot with each pull of the trigger. You can use them to make as many attacks as you have in a round. If you're a Fighter, maybe you can also double tap to fire a 2-round burst with one.
• Fully automatic firearms fire continually while the trigger is held. You can probably only fire bursts and full-auto with them. If you're a Fighter, maybe you can also use them to fire single shots.
• Select-fire firearms can be used as if they were either semi- or fully automatic.

Fire Modes modify recoil, damage, and potentially area of effect:

• Single shots cost 1 ammo and don't modify recoil or damage at all.
• Burst fire costs 3 ammo, doubles recoil, and adds 1 die of damage. A double-barreled firearm counts as firing a burst if you fire both barrels.
• Full-auto fire costs 5 ammo, trebles recoil, and either adds 2 dice of damage or hits everyone in a cone (roll the attack roll once, compare to all ACs or have them roll Dex vs your attack or whatever).

Recoil starts with the recoil value of the cartridge, then is lowered by the following:

• Ignore recoil if fired from a fixed mount on a vehicle or fortification or whatever.
• -4 recoil if set up on a bipod or fired from a prone position, etc.
• -2 recoil if the barrel is real long and/or heavy, like on a machine gun or full-length sniper or hunting rifle.
• -2 recoil if it has a stock and you're using it.
• -1 recoil if you're holding it in two hands.
• -1 recoil per point of STR bonus.
• Maybe it's got gyroscopic stabilization or a huge muzzle brake or something? You can figure out anything special beyond that.

All of these apply after multiplying recoil for burst or full-auto fire. Whatever's left is a penalty to your attack roll.

That's fiddly as hell, fuck you Vayra

Yeah, it is, but you and your players only have to calculate this stuff once per gun. I recommend doing it in advance and building a table or generator or something. For example, here are some guns:

Beretta 92FS. Semi-auto, 9x19mm Parabellum (1d8, R1/2, 30'), 15 round magazine, iron sights, 1/3rd slot.

Colt Python. Semi-auto, .357 Magnum (2d6, R3/6, 30'), 6 round cylinder, iron sights, 1/3rd slot.

Remington 1900 Sawn-Off. Break-action, 12 gauge (3d8, R1/5 in two hands or 4/8 in one, 10'), double-barreled, no sights, 1 slot.

PPSh-41. Full-auto, 7.62x25mm Tokarev (1d8, R0/1/3, AP Light, 30'), 35 round magazine or 71 round drum, iron sights, 1 slot.

M4 Carbine. Select-fire, 5.56x45mm NATO (+1 to-hit, 2d6, R0/1/3, AP Light, 60'), 30 round magazine, red dot sight, 1 slot.

Remington 700. Bolt-action, .308 Winchester (3d6, R0, AP Medium, 400'), 5 round internal magazine (clip-loaded), 4x scope, 2 slots.

Dragunov SVD. Semi-auto, 7.62x54mmR (3d6, R0/3, AP Medium, 400'), 10 round magazine, 4x scope, 2 slots.

FN FAL 50.63 PARA. Select-fire, 7.62x51mm NATO (3d6, R1/5/9, AP Medium, 60'), 20 round magazine, iron sights, 2 slots.

Sako TRG-42. Bolt-action, .338 Lapua Magnum (3d8, R0, AP Heavy, 900'), 5 round magazine, 3-9x scope, 2 slots.

Mossberg 500. Pump-action, 12 gauge (3d8, R0, 30'), 5 round tube, bead sight, 2 slots.

Recoil values include stocks and stuff but don't assume two hands on a pistol, and are given for single/burst/auto where applicable. Slap that on a table somewhere for reference, and now you have it forever. 

When someone picks up a gun, they write the name down in their inventory and figure out their attack bonus with it and they're good to go. Here's how I'd write attacks with some of these down on my sheet for a 2nd-level Fighter with +1 STR and +0 DEX:

9mm Beretta 92FS, +2 ranged (-1 per 30'), 1d8 or double-tap (-1 if one-handed) for 2d8 and 2 ammo. 16/15 loaded, 15/15, 8/15 in spares, 83 loose rounds.

7.62x25mm PPSh-41, +2 ranged (-1 per 30'), 1d8 AP Light, 56/71 rounds loaded

            Burst +2 ranged (-1 per 30'), 2d8 AP Light, 3 ammo

            Full-auto +0 ranged  (-1 per 30'), 3d8 AP Light or cone at single damage, 5 ammo 

7.62x51mm FAL PARA, +2 ranged (-1 per 60'), 3d6 AP Medium, 20/20 loaded, 10/20 in spares

            Double-tap -2 ranged (-1 per 60'), 4d6 AP Medium, 2 ammo

            Full-auto -6 ranged (-1 per 60'), 5d6 AP Medium or cone at single damage, 5 ammo, note to self: don't do this.

A guy made this in his garage while on PCP and tried to rob a train with it and got shot and then I found it in the sand twenty years later, is it still safe to shoot?

Professionally made firearms that are frequently maintained have no chance of catastrophic failure. If you fumble your attack roll with one it jams and will have to be reloaded.

For everyone else, here's my post-apocalyptic quality table:

1. Professionally made firearms fumble on 1. Roll a d20: 1 breaks; 2-20 jams.
2. Decent quality firearms fumble on 1-2. Roll a d20: 1 explodes; 2-10 breaks; 11-20 jams.
3. Jury-rigged firearms fumble on 1-3. Roll a d20: 1-5 explodes; 6-10 breaks; 11-20 jams.

Exploding firearms deal their regular single-shot damage to their wielder, with a DEX roll for half. Broken firearms can be repaired with gun parts and either an INT roll or a skilled armorer.

NO LIGHT NO WARMTH: Illuminated Paladin (Class: Specialist)

Somewhere towards the southern edge of the tetrahedral world, an expedition gathers...

This is for deus ex parabola's edge-climb campaign thingy, not GROG or the Mountain.

I have stolen every word within this post from the Metatron, Sage, Gun Priest, and/or my own Oiled Paladin. 

It seems the difference between a Paladin and a Cleric is that a Paladin can't talk to angels directly and instead draws (sometimes) more practical powers from them in exchange for those powers being (usually) more consistently available and lesser consequences from breaking their tenets.

I'm not completely happy with this but I have determined to Just Post and fix it later, if it is determined to require fixing. Death to drafts!

Class: Illuminated Paladin (Purple Heretic)

The Purple Heretics are a gnostic group. They believe their texts contain esoterica never revealed to the masses. In them, alcohol is prohibited and harems recommended. The g_ds' disappearance is a puzzle to be solved, and those who do so will no doubt be among the elect.

You're a follower of the Purple Orthodoxy and you're damned proud of it. You have come here in search of secrets, that you might know the truth of the world. You tattoo your skin and wear your mask proudly, for it marks you as one who is—above all else—possessed of knowledge.

This is how you should play every character with a link to the divine, but it's especially how you should play an illuminated paladin.

Tenets of the Purple Orthodoxy, in order of importance.

1. Do not, through action or inaction, allow error to be taught. Use fire if necessary. Ignore all other tenets if they would interfere with this, your most important goal.
2. Do not share information with the unworthy or those who would misuse it.
3. Seek out ancient tomes and ruins; do not allow information to be lost or forgotten.
4. Correct those who are under false impressions, unless this would interfere with the second tenet.
5. Accumulate libraries and stores of secret information, unless this would break the third tenet.

If you take off your mask or break a tenet, you can't use any Illuminated Paladin class features except fieldwork and extra attack per round until you put your mask back on and do at least three of: Edit a text, learn something new and important, point out to someone how they're wrong, eat a solid meal, stay awake for an entire night.

For every template of this class you have, you gain +1 SKLL. You use the specialist to-hit progression, increasing by +1 at templates B and D. If you have at least one template in this class you can never fumble while using fencing weapons or firearms. You can't wear armor unless you have training or templates in another class that lets you.

Starting Equipment: A purple mask (see image), academic robes, burglar's clothing, soft leather boots and gloves, a parrying dagger (light), tattoo kit, writing supplies, a regular holy book (from the Church), an irregular holy book (from your mentor), a very irregular holy book (which you are writing), and one other academic implement chosen from the list at the end.

Skills: Papermaking, Bookbinding, Calligraphy, and Illumination plus one of: 1. History, 2. Historiography, 3. Law.

A: Fieldwork, Illuminated (1 Truth)

B: Erudition, Pointed Criticism, +1 Truth

C: Confession, Extra Attack Per Round, +1 Truth

D: Hypotheses, Thought Library, +1 Truth

A: Fieldwork

You've trained for this. You have a 3-in-6 chance of picking a common lock (2-in-6 for something more secure, 1-in-6 for a safe or the like) and a 1-in-6 chance to understand any specific bit of language you don't know—like a page in a book, inscription on a ring, occult chanted phrase, or passage gleaned through Erudition—that you encounter. Both of these chances improve by 1-in-6 for each additional template of this class beyond A.

A: Illuminated

For every template of this class you have, one-quarter of your body's external surface area is covered in illuminated tattoos depicting one of the most important Truths you know. Roll on the Truth table for specifics at each template. If you roll a duplicate, choose the next non-duplicate Truth above or below it.

If one of your Truths is ever proven false, you lose the benefit of that Truth until you can have the tattoo corrected.

B: Erudition

The first time you touch any given text, you immediately know the most important 107 sequential words contained therein. You can read a text of any length in one hour as long as you have a quiet place to sit and no interruptions, and identify places where a text has been edited or redacted at a glance.

B: Pointed Criticism

You study your enemies carefully, and are adept at using this knowledge to throw them off balance and erode their will to fight. For each name or horrible secret of a target that you correctly declare to them before making your first attack, you have +1 to hit them and they have -1 to hit you and on Morale checks.

Names are any names that the target has been known by—like full name, pseudonyms, and epithets; not first, middle, and last. Horrible secrets are anything that they would rather you not know—like shameful habits, past failures, and uncomfortable associations, each of which must be distinct from any others mentioned.

This ability applies to debates and arguments as well as physical combat, but only works against targets that are capable of understanding you.

C: Confession

For every ten minutes that you engage someone in spirited discussion, debate, or argument, you can ask them one question which they must answer and answer truthfully. Roll CHA or INT, whichever is more advantageous for you—if you succeed, they don't realize that you asked the question, or that they answered it.

D: Hypotheses

Given ten minutes of meditation, you can commune with angels to pronounce a hypothesis. The GM will tell you whether your hypothesis is true, partially true, or false. If it is false, you first take damage equal to your current Falsehoods, then increase your Falsehoods by 107.

Your Falsehoods decreases by 1 for each point of damage you take from any source, and each time you read or burn a text you had not already read or burn't.

D: Thought Library

When you interact with texts owned or possessed by someone else, any changes you make—placing, removing, editing, et cetera—are reflected in their actual memory. Doing so has similar effects to one of the two Signature Techniques of the Company as performed with 1 or 2 Memory Dice. Which Signature Technique and how many MD you roll depend on what exactly you are doing. If rolled with 2, you suffer any Mistakes as an actual Metatron would.

Truths

When you gain a Truth, write down what you thinkare completely sure it is. You have to be careful about your Truths, particularly once you have access to Hypotheses or if you have a Sage or 4-template Gun Priest around.

These (or at least their names) will need to be replaced for other campaigns. They should be major questions about the setting that are understood well enough to be asked but not answered.

1. The existence of the Soul.
   Your tattooed skin can interact with ghosts, spells, angels, et cetera as if they existed physically, and your melee attacks deal full damage to undead.
   
   
2. The fates of the G_ds.
   You have +1 AC per template, which doesn't stack with normal armor. When someone you knew the name of dies, their name appears on your right arm.
   
   
3. The identity of the Fifth Brother.
   Your mask is unrecognizable to those you would prefer not to know you, and your tattoos are invisible to those you would prefer not to see them and illegible to those you would prefer not to understand them.
   
   
4. The origin of Man.
   While performing hard labor you need no food, water, nor sleep. Once finished a work, you must 'catch up' on all the food, water, and sleep you missed before working beyond normal human limits again.
   
   
5. The source of Monkey.
   With a word, you can cause everything in contact with your tattoos to fuse to them, holding them—or you—in place. It's probably an INIT roll to use this to stop yourself from falling or something. Obviously you also need to have bare, tattooed skin in contact with the things you want to stick to. Don't do this when you already have a lot of momentum unless you want your Truths to separate from your body.
   
   
6. The face of Aeshe (PBUH).
   You have a 1-in-6 chance per template to know one relevant piece of information about anyone you encounter.
   
   
7. The location of the Second Moon.
   Your tattoos itch when something is being concealed from you. If you would be surprised, you're not.
   
   
8. The nature of the Stars.
   With a word, you can cause your tattoos to glow with the dim illumination of a starry night. This is sufficient to read by or keep track of your footing, but not increase your radius of vision in darkness. While active, invisible things within arm's reach are revealed to you.
   
   
9. The geography of the distant North.
   You can read the current direction and distance to the well at the bottom of the world on the back of your left hand, and are protected as if by clothing appropriate to the environment at all times.
   
   
10. The creation of the Sun.
    Your tattoos emit blasts of infrared light when struck. When something deals damage to you it catches fire for 1d6 damage per round until extinguished. If you are reduced to 0 or lower HP, anyone looking in your direction must SAVE or be struck blind for 107 minutes by an invisible sunburst.

Academic Implements

1. Purple Mask. Depicts an old man, usually grinning. Allows you to see curse-fog and maybe, sort of angels, and marks you as a member of the Purple priesthood even though that's only about half-true.
2. Academic Robes. From a very fancy and reputable institution. Probably worth 10 gp if you can find a buyer that knows how much you paid for them. 1 slot unless you're wearing em.
3. Burglar's Clothing. Dark, close-fitting, has plenty of pockets that are perfectly sized for carrying books, writing implements, and thieves' tools situated where they won't get in the way of movement. Covers almost your entire body, with just enough gaps that it's obvious you have tattoos but they can't be fully seen. 1 slot unless you're wearing em.
4. Soft Leather Boots and Gloves. Supple, comfortable, not all that warm.
5. Parrying Dagger. An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age. A light weapon that counts as a shield in any round you don't attack with it, 1/3rd slot.
6. Tattoo Kit. A variety of needles, inks pressed from rare ingredients. Very efficiently packed. 1/3rd slot.
7. Writing Supplies. Quills, pens, brushes, an inkpot, at least one piece of vellum. Useful if you need to write a letter, forge a document, or correct inconsistencies in a book. 1 slot.
8. Holy Books. As the Cleric's. 1/3rd slot each.
9. List of Grievances. Nail them to a church door and they'll cause a whole scene. 1/3rd slot.
10. Thieves' Tools. A collection of scalpels, hammers, hand-drills, lockpicks, shims, and the like. 100% guaranteed to have everything you need to do Thief Stuff. 1 slot.
11. Sharp Diamond Ring. Could cut glass. Worth a cool 20 gp. Too small to take up space, really.
12. Very Nice Perfume. An exotic combination of scents, very distinctive. Probably nobody you meet will ever have smelled it before, worth 30 gp to discerning buyers. 1/3rd slot.
13. Rifle. 2d8 damage at a range of 60', -1 to-hit for every 20' after that. Holds two rounds, takes two minutes to reload, and you must purchase the cartridges separately. 2 slots.
14. Musical Instrument. You pick which one. 1 slot.
15. Hookah. Comes with enough scented tobacco for you to sit around smoking it like an asshole at least 10 times, even if you're sharing it with your friends. 2 slots.
16. Fancy Cushion. An excellent seat. 1 slot.
17. Very Nice Hat. Your call if it's appropriate to the region (in case you need to blend in) or wildly inappropriate (in case you need to stand out).
18. Animal Messenger. A pigeon, perhaps, or an exceptionally well-trained squirrel or mustelid. Not a crow, raven, rook, or magpie—those can't be trusted, they're too smart. 1HD, 1 slot if you're carrying it around.
19. Waterproof Matches. Will ignite and burn in any environment; wet, dry, or airless. Box of 20, 1/3rd slot.
20. An oddity. Roll 1d6 on the following table:
1. WHITHER THE HEART, a medium rapier of bronte and chardun. Attracts or is attracted to iron. Sufficient to block ferrous weapons and projectiles if one spends their whole turn parrying, or always hits creatures that have blood and are not wearing ferrous armor. 1 slot.
2. The Gleaming Stone. Warm to the touch, slowly shifts through the rainbow of colors, casts light like a torch. Priceless. 1/3rd slot.
3. Papers declaring you—or at least someone who shares your name and description—a saint of the Purple orthodoxy. If read carefully, they also quite clearly imply that you are dead.
4. A bone knife with a long handle and a very small blade—more like a scalpel, really. Capable of cutting through anything physical, and some things not. Can be used as a light weapon that deals only 1 damage but ignores armor or damage reduction, 1/3rd slot.
5. A pair of round glasses with completely opaque lenses. Render lies visible and everything else invisible to the wearer.
6. An enormous egg. Neither you nor anyone else knows what it contains. 1 slot.